5 Signs That Your Relationship is in Trouble

All relationships go through ups and downs. But some couples start wondering whether they are headed towards a breakup. They are going through some unusual downs in their relationship, and are unsure what’s going on. Consider the following signs, and get more clarity about where you stand in your relationship.

• Excessive criticism

If you find yourself criticizing your partner, think of it as a sure sign of trouble. Criticism can prove to be very harmful to a relationship because it is an attack on the character of a person. A more constructive thing to do when differences arise is to positively and calmly voice your feelings and needs. You can make a complaint in ways that make it easier of your partner to hear and understand. Understanding how to soften your complaints can help you have a positive outcome.

• Wrong assumptions and mind reading

Making the wrong assumptions or mind reading your partner‘s intention can hurt a relationship. For example, you may blame your partner for not loving you or you may assume that they are ‘careless’ if they get late in coming home and forget to inform you. A disconnect in communication is evident from such behavior. It may be possible that your partner got stuck in traffic and his phone ran out of power. Yet, you may adopt a cold behavior towards the person thinking you have been wronged. Misinterpreting your partner’s intentions and arguing can create problems. This does not mean that you are passive and only assume the best. It means that you talk with your partner about it and ask for clarification in a caring way.

• Attitude of contempt

Contempt is a sure sign of an ailing relationship. An attitude of contempt leads to disrespect, ridicule and sarcastic behavior between partners. Calling each other names or shouting at each other is detrimental to a relationship. The reason behind this kind of contemptuous behavior has some kind of resentment.  If a person has been hurt in the past by his/her partner, such contemptuous behavior can creep into a relationship.  John Gottman, a famous relationship researcher, stated that contempt is one of the biggest predictors of an eventual divorce. Talk with kindness and compassion to your partner, no matter how you feel. It will go a long way towards healing old wounds and new hurts.

• Lack of fun and passion

The fading away of sexual chemistry between partners is a serious concern. Relationships need work to keep the passion alive. Sex is a big part of feeling connected and energized by the relationship. When couples feel connected sexually they also tend to feel safe and get a deep sense of comfort.

There are other elements of fun in a relationship that also need attention. Couples connect when they share some common interests and talk about their day.

If the couple can’t create pleasure in each other’s company, the relationship is likely to struggle. The clock is ticking for such a relationship because the partners are not connecting and creating shared meaning. They tend to become absent even while being together.

• Restricted individualization or personal pursuits

Happy and healthy relationships thrive when individuals can pursue their hopes wishes and dreams. If one finds a partner’s jealousy or possessiveness is keeping him/her away from doing the things they love then the relationship is bound to turn sour. An individual can sacrifice his/her interests for a short while. If one partner’s control issues are taking away from the other’s personality, then anger and resentment are going to begin to develop. If such behavior is not checked in good time, it could kill the relationship. No one is comfortable living a restricted life as it hinders personal progress. If an individual does not flourish, the relationship will also suffer.

If your relationship need help then couples therapy can move your relationship in the right direction. Couples therapists are trained in communication and conflict resolution. They can also help couples reignite passion and bring excitement back.

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8 Ways to Get the Most Out of Therapy

Whether you are in treatment for depression, anxiety or an addiction, finding a good support system and the right therapist are key factors in your wellness and recovery. All the clinical research shows that how couple therapy works. Here are eight strategies for maximizing the time you spend in therapy.

1.      Find the Right Therapist

Chemistry and compatibility are important factors to consider when working with a therapist. In order to get the most out of the process, it is important to trust your therapist. You should feel at ease, and be comfortable enough to openly discuss difficult topics. Finding the right therapist is an important step and set the groundwork for success. A good idea is to interview a few therapists on the phone before you schedule your first session. A good therapist should be open to this possibility. Ask them how they work and how they can help you reach your goals. Ask yourself, do I feel like I can talk to them and they understand. If not, call another therapist. It’s okay to shop around for the right fit.

2.      Collaborate With Your Therapist and Set Realistic and Attainable Goals

For people suffering from anxiety, depression or an addiction to drugs, sex, pornography or gambling, the immediate goal is to get well and find a “cure” for the problem as quickly as possible. Because everyone’s triggers, history, and the path to recovery is different, the right therapist will work with you to design a treatment plan that is ideal for your situation and circumstances. Therapy works best as a collaborative process, and give you time to make the changes you want in your life.

3.      Be Honest With Your Therapist and Yourself

Feelings of shame and humiliation go hand in hand with depression, anxiety, and addiction. But withholding the truth about your feelings and behaviors will only interfere with your progress. Your therapist is there to help you, and giving yourself permission to speak freely and openly is critical to your progress. If you feel you can’t be open with your therapist, talk to them about it, most likely you can work through it together.

4.      Be Open and Fully Present in Your Sessions

Therapy is an investment in your mental, emotional and physical health. Commit to bringing your whole self to your session, and resist the urge to censor yourself or hold back for fear of judgment. This can be hard to do but make the commitment to just be yourself. When you come to therapy make it the priority and get rid of distractions. It’s a good idea to turn off your phone so it won’t bother you during your session.

5.      Continue to Build and Work Outside of Formal Sessions

Like learning to play an instrument or any new skill, applying the tools from therapy in your day-to-day life once you leave your therapist’s office is an integral part of the process. Activities like journaling can help make sense of your sessions and gain new insights on your progress between sessions. Working on your progress every day is an important part of breaking old patterns. You are only in therapy for a short time during the week, so a lot of your progress can happen outside the therapy office.

6.      Discuss Ongoing Progress With Your Therapist

Let your therapist know how you feel about your progress, especially if you feel stuck or suffer setbacks. This is important. If you feel that you are not making progress tell your therapist. This can often lead to the break thoughts you are looking for. It’s well worth it. A good therapist will not be offended if you let them know that you feel stuck. They will support you in exploring how they can help you.

7.      Schedule Sessions Only When It Works for You

This will help you to be fully present, and minimize distractions during sessions. Often we want help, but don’t give therapy space in our lives that it deserves. It is best to find a consistent time and day and make therapy the priority. If you do that therapy can become part of the week and you can keep your progress going forward.

8.      Give the Process Time to Work

There are no quick fixes when it comes to couple counseling and treatment for addiction and anxiety disorders. Being patient and taking a long view of your recovery will help you understand and come to terms with underlying issues, and develop healthy long-term coping mechanisms. Change happens when we consistently work towards our goal. It can matter more than the immediate effort.

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Emotional Pain And It’s Impact Toward Positive Societal Change

I will premise this op-ed with a brief introduction of myself. My name is Danielle Osterlind (sex addiction therapist ).  I am a wife, a mother, a Master’s level educated professional woman with an MBA in Organizational Psychology and a small business owner of a marriage and family therapy practice.  I’m a powerful, strong, capable, energetic and empathetic woman.  Every day, I make a lot of important decisions that influence my life, my family, and our community as a whole.  I’m not that different from internationally known late night television host Jimmy Kimmel, except that I am one woman, one Mom, who does what I do in a small office, behind a small desk, by myself, everyday.  Jimmy, it seems, is one man, one Dad, who does what he does in front of millions of people every night.  I’m sure you can see the similarities.           

Today is May 10, 2017.  Last week I arose one morning to see social media video of Jimmy Kimmel’s broadcast story about his newborn son, facebooked, tweeted, reacted to and shared across the global internet thousands of times (probably millions by the time you are reading this).   

I read in quotes, “If your baby is going to die, and it doesn’t have to, it shouldn’t matter how much money you make.”  Since I had a baby that died almost nine years ago, I was immediately intrigued.  I clicked play and spent the next approximately 13 minutes watching and crying along with his very emotional, very raw, very honest, very heartfelt, very passionate offering of his experience, his story, his pain, his love and his hope.

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Pornography Addiction in a Relationship

There was a time when access to pornography was, for a lack of a better term, restricted. People had to physically go to a shop, pick up a magazine or tape, pay for it at the counter and go home to watch it. Today, however, every single person with a cell phone and an internet connection has access to any kind of pornography they want. There is literally no restriction to porn right now. All this free access and variety and range just waiting to be seen can cause a lot of issues. 40 million Americans regularly visit porn sites. One out of every 3 visitors to a porn site is female, and at least 8% of all emails sent every day are pornographic in nature. With over 12% of the internet plainly porn, it is safe to say that we are in a generation that is saturated with the stuff.

Pornography Harmful?

The question of whether or not porn is healthy is one that faces heavy debate. While some feel that it is natural and healthy to be curious about certain things and that porn can help a relationship grow more intimate by showing a person what they may or may not like with their partner, others feel that it can bring about unrealistic notions about sex addiction  and the way the body functions. Whatever be your stance on the subject, one thing is for certain, too much porn is not good, in fact, in many cases, it can be a full blown addiction.

Couples counseling practitioners often compare porn addiction to any other drug related addiction that a person may suffer from; it has similar trademarks and characteristics. There are a number of issues that can stem out of the over viewing of porn.

• Dissatisfaction with sex: It is one of the first things that come to light. When a person puts their own sexual habits on a scale with porn on the other side, it will not add up. The reason for this is that sex in porn is not how sex in the real world will work. There are camera angles, lighting, editing, and general movie magic that goes into the presentation. When you begin to want that in real life, it is going to put a strain on the relationship.
• Sexual dysfunction: Erectile dysfunction and a lack of arousal may stem out of Pornography Addiction Treatment . It may come to a point where either you, your partner, or both of you may not be able to function sexually without the assistance of porn.
• Negative body image: While the world is still telling people what they should look like, porn takes it to a whole new level. Unrealistic expectations from sex has led a number of men and women to feel ashamed about their normal sexuality because of porn.

Pornography can also be a form of sexual addiction where the person may feel like they are able to mentally supplement a physical need by watching others engage in sexual acts.

Porn addiction can put a serious strain on any relationship. Couples therapy has proven to be quite good in tackling and overcoming this addiction. One of the most important things to remember though is that love and communication is key. If you are facing something like this, or you suspect your partner may be suffering from it, do seek out help . It can be beaten.